Help for Parents

Is it inevitable that your child is going to have sex as a teen? Can you help them abstain or are you wasting your time?

A lot of parents believe there is no use to try get their kids to abstain from sex. That’s just not true. Sixty percent (60%) of kids 16 and under have not had sex. The statistics vary when you talk about teens in their senior year of high school, but the percent of kids who have not had sex ranges from forty percent (40%) to fifty percent (50%). And half the kids who have done it once are not doing it regularly. Most kids who have sex as teens don’t have more than one or two partners.

So what do all these statistics mean to you? That you have a chance to help your child wind up in the group that does not have sex.

Even if your child has had sex, he or she doesn’t have to continue doing it. Ever heard of secondary virginity? That means a teen made a choice that they don’t want to make again. People who choose secondary virginity start practicing abstinence again; they quit having sex. Secondary virgins tried having sex and found out it wasn’t all that.

5 Tips for Parents When Talking to Their Kids About Sex

1. Be clear about your own sexual values and attitudes.

It will be far more difficult for you to approach the topic of sex with your child if you do not have a clear understanding of your own attitudes toward sex, love, and relationships. To help understand your own feelings, ask yourself the following questions:

· What do you really think about children and teens having sex, and putting themselves at risk for becoming parents or contracting STDs?
· Who is responsible for setting sexual limits in a relationship? Does this always work?
· Were you sexually active as a teenager or before you were married? What will you say to your own children if asked about that now? If you were sexually active and you think that was a mistake, it’s OK to say to your children that you made a mistake.
· How do you feel about guiding your child toward sexual abstinence until marriage?

2. Learn to listen.

Chances are your child will be nervous when they approach you about sex. Be sure they feel like they are really being listened to. Make them feel comfortable and let them open up. Often parents take this opportunity to preach or moralize which will eventually cut off communication completely. Be sure to have a two-way conversation and not a one-way lecture.

3. Look for opportunities to talk to your children early about sex, be specific, and talk often.

Kids may not always come to you. Use opportunities such as seeing something in a movie, newspaper, books, something a friend is experiencing. Start the discussion by being open, honest, and respectful. And know that this is not the only conversation you’ll have on this topic. Parents and kids should be talking about sex and love all through the child’s development. If you have regular conversations, you won’t be so worried about saying the wrong thing or answering a question clumsily, because you’ll always be able to talk again.

4. Be completely open so your child feels comfortable expressing all feelings.

Let your child know you will not get angry about anything they ask. If your child has an opinion about sex that is different from yours, listen to what they have to say. This “opinion” may just be part of the sorting our process for your child. Either agree with your child and give them that affirmation, or explain to them why you have a different point of view.

5. Avoid over- or under- answering questions.

Children will ask direct questions, so give them direct answers. If you don’t know the answer, tell them you will find out. Think about the question and decide how much to elaborate. Questions about attitudes or values may need extra attention. Here you may want to take time to explain your own values and where those came from. Establish trust so your child feels comfortable asking all that they need. Never make them feel like you will jump to conclusions about their sexual behavior based on what they are asking.

5 HELPFUL HINTS TO MONITOR YOUR CHILD’S BEHAVIOR

1. Supervise your children.

Set rules, curfews, and clearly explain what behavior you expect of your child. Keep family discussion open and communicate respectfully. What activities does your child participate in while you are at work? Who is supervising your child after school? Where do they hang out with their friends? Remember that supervising your kids and knowing their whereabouts makes you a good parent, not a nag.

2. Know your children’s friends and families.

Children are strongly influenced by their friends. Get to know the parents because you can have a say in who your child spends time with. Help them meet children of your own friends, who share the same values and beliefs on sex, love, and marriage. Ask to meet parents of teens early so you may set common rules and expectations. Try to set common curfews. Welcome your children’s friends into your home and talk to them openly.



3. Discourage early, frequent, and steady dating.

Encourage group activities for your kids that are fun and exciting. Allowing one on one dating for your young teen is only asking for trouble. Make this rule clear when your teen is a child so they do not think you just don’t like the particular person they are proposing to spend time alone with.

4. Give your teenagers options for the future that are more attractive than becoming sexually active at a young age.

The chances that your child will delay sex, pregnancy, and parenthood are strongly reduced if their future appears bright. Help them set real goals for the future, talk to them about what it takes to make those plans come true, and help them reach their goals. Teach them to be constructive with their free time. Encourage them to complete their homework. Show them how much their future could be diminished by becoming sexually involved before marriage.

5. Above all else, build a strong and close relationship with your child at an early age.

Show them and tell them you love them - clearly and often. Hug your children and praise their accomplishments. Spend quality time with your children doing things that they like, not just things that fit in your schedule. This will establish a trust that forms the basis for future communication with them about specific topics, including sexual behavior.

Many thanks to the Florida Department of Health for letting us use content from their excellent web site. We recommend you visit that site at www.greattowait.com.